Thursday, June 08, 2006

Last time I titled a post Divine Humor, I got told off. That is not to say I ever thought of not putting it up, just that people I care about get offended and that I can't bear, not much anyways.
So. this time, no such title, even if the post borders on something ill-advised. What is to be said, this place has already seen me spiral into silence. How fair would that be? That I have a blog and I can't write all that I want, becuase it is not expected of me? And why? Am I not human? Do I not feel? I do and I feel, a bit too much even if all is not expressed. Where was I again? Yes, God's sense of timing and making things generally miserable for me. Of course I believe He cares for me, why else would He make sure life gets progressively unpleasant for me if He isn't looking after me. I am in a terribly tight spot, have stopped talking to family lest I say something nasty and regret it later. There is so much anger and rage bottled up and no chance of it getting out, and festering does rarely any good. So. I just want some ray of hope, some kind of light at the end of this bleak, dark, endless tunnel that is my life tehse days. Over the past one year I have requested so many to pray for me and now I wonder if I should have bothered them. It's not as if any of anyone's prayers for me are working. There. Another sign that God is watching for me, with that decided aim to deny me even the slightest good or ease to make life less unpleasant. It's like banging on closed doors till my hands bleed. Being beyond the point of caring whether the doors open or not, whether my hands heal or not. At this point, all I am left with is some half-hearted attempts at feeble knock with aching hands at doors closed shut in my face. It's not as if there's going to be any respite, as if any door would open, but it gives me something to think about other than the hopelessness and complete despondency. It's strange, hoping that their would be some respite in being utterly dejected. After all, what have I to lose?

4 comments:

Saadat said...

You know, you reminded me of a Punjabi poem that I read a long long time ago. Its title was "Allah Mian, thallay aa!", and its content was like "Look Allah mian, we have to suffer this and this and this and this and this (and this...) on this earth you have created, so come down and see for yourself what it's like to face all this and this and this and this and this (and this...)".

Just hang in there. I don't know what happened of that Punjabi poet, but you can take some deep breaths instead of banging your hands against the apparently closed doors, and keep on knocking. Slow and steady, remember? I know, we would all like a miracle for ourselves (a click of fingers and whoom - everything sorts out), but He has His plans too. For the better. Though I also think that He has a very twisted sense of humour.

One more thing. Try to enjoy little things. Breeze of fresh air, a 5-second stare at some aquarium, little kids spraying water on themselves, tree branches moving with the wind... you get the idea.

And thanks for the birthday wish :) As for the update... well, er... *sigh*

Bhai said...

Have faith my dear... You are not in Iraq, nor in Somalia, nor in Sodan, nor in the many wretched places where people suffer hunger, grief, injustice, and tragedy...and mind you...many of them still keep faith in His mercy, His plans.

Have faith too because He has bestowed you with so many blessings, and not just the intelligence and the education... but also physical health, love of many, and love for many.

It might be the cliche of the century, but the glass is more than half full... and there are those who don't even have glasses.

Allah has a plan for everyone, you walk a perilous path when you cast doubt on Him and His mercy...where would any of us be without His Raham and Karam.

Forgive me for being rude and not empathetic... I am sure there's a lot that bothers you, but never for even a moment be nashukri. We are Allah's servants remember...His will reigns supreme whether or not it is in line with our aspirations...and He knows best.

Aysh said...

Salams AWK,

I see the date is more than a month old and I'm praying that whatever had made 'our' AWK lose her confidence and hope is history. :)

Ok girl to girl, One A.. to another A.., If you stop pestering them... they start pestering you! That's a girl's lfe.

Dont loose hope Hon, Life is beautiful. It's like living in the himalayas. A little cold (people feel cold there and they tend to act cold) there are winding roads and that is life.

God is always there AWK. He's always watching us and the reason we are in a certain mess?prob/situation is beacause at that very moment that is what we require. We may not know it and there is nothing that can make us accept it but after a while when all is past we realise that it was all for the good. You are just be polished to bring out that shiny , bright soul inside you. Relax, pray hard and preservere. I know the words may sound not to comforting but when you come out of it (hope you are out of it by the time you read this), you'll look over your shoulder, smile and say, "Alhamdulillah all is well"

Prayig for your happiness and well being
Aysh

منیراحمدطاہر said...

جشن آزادی مبارک

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