Last time I titled a post Divine Humor, I got told off. That is not to say I ever thought of not putting it up, just that people I care about get offended and that I can't bear, not much anyways.
So. this time, no such title, even if the post borders on something ill-advised. What is to be said, this place has already seen me spiral into silence. How fair would that be? That I have a blog and I can't write all that I want, becuase it is not expected of me? And why? Am I not human? Do I not feel? I do and I feel, a bit too much even if all is not expressed. Where was I again? Yes, God's sense of timing and making things generally miserable for me. Of course I believe He cares for me, why else would He make sure life gets progressively unpleasant for me if He isn't looking after me. I am in a terribly tight spot, have stopped talking to family lest I say something nasty and regret it later. There is so much anger and rage bottled up and no chance of it getting out, and festering does rarely any good. So. I just want some ray of hope, some kind of light at the end of this bleak, dark, endless tunnel that is my life tehse days. Over the past one year I have requested so many to pray for me and now I wonder if I should have bothered them. It's not as if any of anyone's prayers for me are working. There. Another sign that God is watching for me, with that decided aim to deny me even the slightest good or ease to make life less unpleasant. It's like banging on closed doors till my hands bleed. Being beyond the point of caring whether the doors open or not, whether my hands heal or not. At this point, all I am left with is some half-hearted attempts at feeble knock with aching hands at doors closed shut in my face. It's not as if there's going to be any respite, as if any door would open, but it gives me something to think about other than the hopelessness and complete despondency. It's strange, hoping that their would be some respite in being utterly dejected. After all, what have I to lose?

A state of general wretchedness

“How can I deny God, when I am deep in His hell?” – Naguib Mahfouz in Miramar.

I don’t feel wretched. Resigned, abandoned, forsaken, couldn’t care a hoot. There's something to be said for such a state. You want to but can't, won't bother to care. Want to but know you can't change anything to rid the pain, the suffering that wretchedness. You could set my head on fire and the rest of me wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t bother but it would hurt like hell. There that word again. So. I am in hell, deep and let’s leave things at that.

being me

*deep breath*

Every once in a while I get this irresistible itch to light up. Not light up as an attempt at arson, though I have to admit the idea does seem tempting, but light up as in a cigarette. And because it seems irresistible it becomes a challenge to resist it, or try to. So. The other day I got meself a pack of Malboro Lights (Mean bro once suggested that I write on the fact that NONE of cigarette companies have a web presence, I have done it here, not as he’d suggested, but it’s a close). And today, more than a month later, I gave in to the urge, at the terrible risk of smelling rotten, I lit up. What I actually wanted to burn was a stack of papers in front of me - it’s Monday after all – going through it seems more of drudgery than usual only because it’s so lame. What’s the point in having to wait for a whole laadidah month or more only to have such trash masquerading as project? I seriously fail to understand people’s excuse for sub-standard work. And I reserve the right to get offended, take it as a slap on the limited surface area that is my face, as an insult to my intelligence or what little remains of it on auto-pilot. The thing is I misplaced my brain during one routine cleaning of the cranium. Or perhaps it went off for a walk and forgot to return. My brain has always been a trouble maker. In fact the whole of me is. I’d say I Dr. Stranglove Syndrome but that would be putting it mildly. Being the supremely intelligent being that I am, each and every system in me has a nervous system and command center of its own. Imagine a bedlam. In me. So the brain routinely stages walk outs, and I function on auto-pilot and so it’s been months now since it decided not to return. Another reason could be the lack of space. How much of thinking matter can you cram into my skull? Space is prime property given my size. I’m not sure what kind of cells have shifted up there, but some sort must have made the move, my head seems well- balanced. For now. So, that would be my answer, I guess, for not blogging intelligent, for not commenting on others’ intelligent blogpourings etc. as I said on bhai’s blog, my only hope is that some retarded, starving, alley cat caught sight of my brain as it traipsed up and down a market, and ate it up. And died which would mean an end of my brain and hopefully the rest of me should now live happily ever after.

I never ever deliberately give a month or more's gap in post. it just happens. ther's not much for me to write. and i cant seem to find the effort to sit through an entire post. most of the times it's inanities like these that would end up on screen. perhaps it was teh name. isstarting anew sounded more like a dhukka start. and spiralling into silence i seem to have done already. should i change names just to see if being superstitious pays off once. i mean i change names and something happens that makes me post more often and hopefully, more coherent? yes, no, whatever, who cares waghera. and ends.

asked for it

It's funny. The fact that I do open up blogger and type in a few words and then close the window altogether because I have some other work to attend to. What would it take, how much of my time would be wasted if I just exercised my typing and puny writing skills just a bit? But this momentary stop to read through what I have already typed becomes, literally, my undoing as I hit the backspace key and conveniently forget releasing it till there’s nothing but a blank screen staring, blinking back at me…whoa! What happened here, it seems to say. It’s strange this mood, this feeling and existence I seem to have taken recently. As if I live day to day…I live towards 10 pm each day/night which is the time when I would retire with a book and eventually drift into sleep in half an hour, with a book and the lights still on. And then I sleep like a log before beating my cell phone alarm to wake up. And then I wait for the alarm to ring and hit it shut with a glee with the first peep of sound from it. Then I proceed to sleep, or pretend to, for another 15 minutes. What is it about growing up that you don’t have parents waking you up any more, checking up on you every few minutes to see if you are actually up and ready to start the day. What is with growing up that means you have to think so much that all senses get numbed? What is it with growing up and apart from your family? What is it with the pile of expectations heaping itself on you with each passing growing, gnawing day? What is it with a sense of hopelessness that sets on you when you set unachievable goals for you and slink into despondency when you haven’t met them by the end of the day? What is it with all this nonsense anyways? Update and that’s it. Just as we live because we have to and nothing else? What is it? Questions and no answers? Or answers and then a crazy search for the right questions? What is it? What is it with me?

tag & whaaa?

Zack said "Whoever wants to pick it up" for this meme of four. Since I have nothing else to blog about (actually there is so much I can blog about that I can't), I'll take it up.

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life
1. Bratty Daughter
2. Bossy Sister
3. Boorish friend
4. Bookish student

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
1. ET
2. Andaz Apna Apna
3. Roman Holiday
4. Keeps changing

Four Places I Have Lived
1. School
2. College
3. University
4. Work place (Keeps changing)

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch
1. Becker
2. Malcolm in the Middle
3. All old Pakistami dramas
4. Whatever's on on the idiot box; idiot because an idiot watches it.

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation
1. Nanajan's place
2. Dadijan's place
3. Khalajan's place
4. Phoopijan's place

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. BBC news
2. NYTimes
3. DAWN
4. Best Crosswords, msn and yahoo games
5. A whole lot of others, blogs and etcs.

Four Favorite Foods
1. Sheesh Tawook
2. Chocolate is food
3. Nachos
4. Nanijan's parathas

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
1, 2, 3 & 4. Lazing about in my own apartment; it's difficult moving back in with family after having known how much fun living on your own can be.

Four People Whom I Tag Next
I don't know four people. Any. Four. People. What kind of people these four people are anyways?

And this one was funny...a definite whaaa?!?! (yes, it merits the ! and ?'s)

The fertility business: Cupidity: A baby-booming business

Feb 16th 2006 NEW YORK
From The Economist print edition

THERE is no better time than the commercial orgy that is Valentine's Day to consider the baby business. So with impeccable timing, Debora Spar, a Harvard Business School professor, has just published a fascinating book exploring how “money, science and politics drive the commerce of conception”.

Happily, this is not an attempt by the management profession to reduce baby-making to strategic alliances and stretch values. But in “The Baby Business” (Harvard Business School Press) Ms Spar does take seriously the idea that there is enormous demand for better ways of creating children coming from those who find that the old-fashioned way does not work—or gives them too little control over the screaming end-product. This demand is creating a spectacular increase in supply of techniques, technologies and businesses that span everything from the egg to the mother.

Fertility treatment is a business with more than 1m customers and revenues of $3 billion a year in America alone. Top-quality eggs—from a female student, say—cost about $50,000. A surrogate mother costs about $59,000. Guatemala generates around $50m a year by exporting babies at around $25,000 a time. These businesses thrive, in part, because they are in a global industry that is regulated nationally, which leaves huge loopholes to be exploited by the customer willing to travel.

Thus, the Cryos International Sperm Bank in Denmark is the world's largest exporter of sperm (no news yet on whether an Islamic boycott has hurt business). Guatemala's baby exports are facilitated by comprehensive, but permissive, adoption laws. And America has become a global centre for fertility treatment, because—unlike in, say, Britain—the industry is largely unregulated.

Ms Spar, however, believes in the need for better regulation. She argues that governments confuse four different models of the baby market—the “luxury model” (buying a baby is like buying jewellery); the “cocaine model” (it should be banned); the “kidney model” (donation okay, trading not); and the “hip-replacement model” (some subsidy, some private supply). Instead, she wants governments to agree on regulations that curb abuses, but allow the market to function. However, given the political and ethical issues that the baby business raises, such a global consensus seems, well, inconceivable.

Idiot Box

I am becoming increasingly shallow; I prefer watching TV to reading a book! On the other hand, while books, at least these days, leave me as a case of information overload induced anxiety and devoid of any self-respect, all the TV fluff makes good blog fodder. As read below.

Digests are the Pakistani equivalent of mass paperbacks in Pakistan. From Urdu Digest to Suspense and Jasoosi Kahanian (Detective Stories) to Kiran (moon beam), Shua’a (sun ray) and Khwateen (Ladies) Digest, all monthlies sell like hot cakes. The former three are a collection of thrillers and the latter are all romance; a desi version of Harlequins, with as many veils and shrouds of morality as befits desiness, ahem. Typically populist fare which of course means it would be frowned upon should one be found curled up with a Kiran, Shua’a or Khwateen. And obviously one would love to be found in the compromising situation, ahem. To one’s credit though, on has never ever bought a new copy of the offending digests, it’s always borrowings, buying old ones, stealing it from cousins and other noble means of getting one’s reading supplies.

From one fluff to another, read above, usually channel surfing my stopover is longer at Pakistani channels, out of interest. There are so many channels coming up each day I wonder how they would sustain themselves over the period of time. Of course it also means there is a mad scramble for producing kitsch for the idiot-box; generous smatterings of Star Plus' Saas Bahu'esque soaps with garish make-up, elaborate gold tinted sets, a significant lack of acting, exaggerated histrionics and the like. Leaves a terrible taste and a sudden urge to purge the living room of the offending presence of a TV set airing such torture. In such a scenario it's always a welcome change to actually want to stop and sit through an entire Pakistani drama. Imagine my surprise when I found not just one or two but three watchable dramas on the local scene!

The first is Lahasil aired on HumTV, then there is Amar Bail that comes on TV1 and lastly a Mehreen Jabbar serial on Hum TV again. Jabbar does good work and her projects I make a point to watch. No nonsense, her dramas, and definitely worth a watch. Shame I forgot its name. The first two serials are based on serialized novels that regularly appeared in the frowned upon digests. I've lost steam and don't want to go any further now.

Then there was this TVC I caught on Channel V. A cartoon featuring a man staring at Mona Lisa. After a while Mona Lisa, turns to the man and says, 'Ae, ghar main maan behn naeen kia, *^&#$.' (Don't you have mother and sister at home, a typical response to disrespectful ogling men.) I loved the TVC, needless to say, and made it my life's purpose to tell it to as many men and women possible. *wink*

And ending this randomness and poor excuse of a writing/typing:

بربادئ دل جبر نہیں فیض کسی کا
وہ دشمنِ جاں ہے تو بُھلا کیوں نہیں دیتے

Snootiness 101

Course: Snootiness 101, SS 1206
Semester: Fall 2006

Instructor: Ms. Prissy Ahaughty

Classes: Thursdays, 1230 - 1530 Consultation: Thursday 1530 - 1535
Email: ahaughty@snooties.edu

Course Objective:
The objective of this course is to train students to become snooty. While the learning outcome states suicidal depression as the ultimate goal, this course seeks to demoralize students into thinking that they are the very vermin and scourge of the society and can never ever do any good, eventually pass this course with a best-possible ‘B-‘ and let loose the Snooties™ brand of snobbery onto the society.

At the end of this course, the student will be able to:
1. Become absolute pain-in-the-neck snob.
2. Think high and mighty of himself.
3. Have his/her spirit broken and crushed.
4. Preferably become suicidally depressed and pass it on to others.

Note: This course is compulsory for all BBA and MBA students coming to Snooties™, the best business school in the world, to inculcate in them an organised understanding and respect for the practice of being mean.

Teaching methods: Lectures and presentations.

Grading policy: Students acing this course will be automatically graded ‘F’ till their spirit is broken, which will be graded ‘B-’. Students committing suicide during/after taking this course will be eligible for a posthumous ‘A+’ and earn a permanent place in the Snooties Hall of Shame™.
Class Participation: 25%
Class Behavior: 25%
Attendance: 10%
Assignments: 5%
Projects: 5%
Purchase of course material: 10%
Final paper: 20%
Bonus marks: upto 50% (At the instructor's discretion)

Recommended Text:
All books authored/edited by the instructor. Get a list from the course TA and buy all of them.

Attendance, Assignments and Participation:
Students are expected to be punctual and graded accordingly. Late comings are allowed upto 2 minutes, but marked Late. Every late is an absent. Any absence is an automatic ‘F’.
Students are expected to be casually dressed, giving enough fodder for the instructor to blast them for their shabby dressing.
All assignments are to be handwritten and given in by the due date, which will always be announced a day later. Late submissions will be graded down.
Students are expected to maintain pin-drop silence in the class. A pin will be dropped at random in class, to test silence and the while class graded according to the audibility of the pin-drop.
Students are expected to fawn over the instructor, flatter and praise, the only participation allowed and graded for this class.

Pre-requisite:
None

Amassing losses

So another year closes and I sit back to take stock of what has happened in my life, this year. Not much I’d say. I have lost on so many fronts to lose count. If I thought I was a fool as 2005 rolled in, I proved myself wrong; if I thought I was too much of an optimist for my own good, I need to think again. Such fool I be, I amaze even myself. And that pretty much sums up everything. I don't really look forward to what the new year has in store for me, I have a very good idea and dread it. Fatalism? But you aren't in my shoes.

There is hope

At times I feel I have sold out completely. Where are all those ideals and noble plans to fight for people's rights, where is that burning spirit, where is that quest for rights' advocacy...all squandered in the name of career, all lost in the prusuit of a fatter pay-check. The saddest part is that I sold myself very cheap...what was I to do?
وہ لوگ بہت خوش قسمت تھے
جو عشق کو کام سمجھتے تھے
یا کام سے عاشقی کرتے تھے
ہم جیتے جی مصروف رہے
کچھ عشق کیا کچھ کام کیا

Anyways, I am proud of Htoo Chit, one of the crazy band of HR defenders I met in Bangkok in 2003. He took the French company Total for a law-ride for the HR violations it had been carrying out againt the people of Burma/Myanmar. Here is the text of his press release:

Grassroots Human Rights Education and Development Committee (Burma)
Press Release 18/12/2005

Official Statement by Grassroots GRE on the settlement of the court case against the Total Oil Company

The French oil company Total has been operating its off-shore gas infrastructure since 1990 in Tanintaryin division in accordance with the agreement signed between the company and Burmese military junta. The large scale of human rights violations including rape, murder, torture, forced labour, forced relocation, and confiscation of land and properties has been the daily life of the vulnerable ethnic groups living in the area along the pipeline. The Total Company, the blood-supplier of the military regime, has turned a deaf ear to the complaints of Burmese people as well as to the outcry of international human rights groups for more than a decade as its only interest has been the company profit.

Grassroots HRE, a NGO promoting human rights of Burmese people, has long been collecting relevant documents, photographs, evidence and others necessary papers as proof of the human rights violations by Total's engagement over the local ethnic population. Finally, as the result of the support and encouragement of Grassroots HRE, a lawsuit against the Total Company was successfully put forth through the France judicial system in 2002. U Htoo Chit, the director of Grassroots HRE, has already given his witness testimonies in court in 2003 while two of the plaintiffs have given their accounts in court in 2004.

From the very beginning the lawsuit was aimed to obtain the compensation for the loss, destruction, and suffering caused by Total infrastructure. The lawsuit was done by the freewill of the plaintiffs and victims of the gas pipeline areas without any intervention or pressure of any Burmese political party or organizations affiliated with the party. Therefore, the acceptance or rejection of the compensation in the settlement solely depends on the free choice of those people themselves and has not been influenced by Grassroots HRE. In fact, the company's decision for the settlement is the admission of the human rights violation by Total over the innocent Burmese people.
Even though we, Grassroots HRE, have agreed principally on the final verdict of the French court, we do not give our consent to this sort of out-of-court settlement. However, we are human rights defenders and are pleased with the compensation that the victims justly deserve.
We firmly oppose any form of human rights violations over our people as well as any form of destructions of our environment. We are committed to follow up the evolution and the development of the resettlement program very closely and we are determined to stand by our vulnerable victims in all walks of life.

For every sell-out like me, there is a Htoo Chit to carry on the noble fight. And as long as we have people like him, there is hope for this world.